'Whole concept nothing but cruel': Men on secret Facebook group where women name and shame guys they dated

He is young, single, and looking for "The One".

This is why Marcus*, an expat working in Singapore, is on dating apps.

"It's hard to meet people organically these days. We work too much," the 31-year-old told AsiaOne on the condition of anonymity. "Dating apps are a good way to meet people. I met my ex on it."

But to his horror, Marcus found out that a stranger had posted a screenshot of his Tinder profile on SG Women Ask on Nov 24. This is a Facebook group where thousands of women share what they know about the men they have met from dating apps in Singapore.

Nothing malicious about him so far, he said. One member commented about his smile, while another revealed that he previously dated an influencer.

But Marcus is uncomfortable that his dating profile has been shared on social media without his consent, something he described as 'harassment'.

"I don't like strangers commenting about my private life and whom I've dated," Marcus said. "It's not a nice feeling to have our dating profiles being shared like this."

'A forum to call out douchebags'

Dating apps offer excitement and potential romance, yet some women may face disappointment as they encounter "red flags" like inconsistent behaviour or questionable attitudes with their dates, turning the initial thrill into despair. 

Enter SG Women Ask, a Facebook group where women can share openly - or spill the tea - about the men whom they met from dating apps.

It works like this: A woman posts a screenshot of a man's dating profile with his name and ask along the lines of "any tea?” Members will then respond with what they know about the guy.

These include first-hand accounts and screenshots of past interactions. Some of the comments make for grim reading, detailing incidents of sexual assault, gaslighting, harassment and abuse.

This Facebook group is set to 'hidden' mode and prospective members must be invited by existing members. Women who tell their male friends that they are being talked about in the group face immediate expulsion, with the admin labelling them as 'snitches.'

"It's like how men have Sammyboy and HardwareZone Forums," Christine*, a member of the group, told AsiaOne. "SG Women Ask is an open forum for women to call out douchebags."

Initially invited to the group by a friend who was in a “toxic situationship”, Christine said that she is not actively dating but stayed out of curiosity.

It has been an eye-opener for her. While scrolling through posts after posts, Christine uncovered stories of women who have been allegedly sexually harassed, gaslighted or scammed by men they met from dating apps. 

"One of them even found out from other members in SG Women Ask that a guy she matched on Tinder is already married with children," Christine said.

SG Women Ask, previously named Are We Dating The Same Guy?, is more than just a 'review' platform for women.

It serves as a space for relationship support and advice, as stated by the administrator of the 2,700-member group in the group's description. Numerous members provided guidance on egg-freezing, while anonymous users sought tips on having affairs with married men and being a sugar baby. 

There were also instances of women offering to “save” each other if their dates go bad.  

Details about men's jobs, contact prohibited

SG Women Ask appears to share similar traits with 'sg dating adventures,' a now-defunct Telegram group set up by a local influencer in October 2021.

Shortly after Koh Boon Ki created the group, a member generated a Google spreadsheet titled 'Dating Guide SG,' compiling details about 'guys we've talked to and dates we've been on.'

The 22-year-old later faced accusations of doxxing and harassment, as the document and chat shared personal details of men, such as their full names and contact information.

In contrast to 'sg dating adventures,' members of SG Women Ask are required to abide to content rules.

First names are allowed, but surnames are not. Details about the men's jobs, home addresses, and contact information are also prohibited. The group moderators encourage "kind and uplifting words", strictly forbidding hate speech or bullying.

But AsiaOne found several posts in the group that raise questions about their 'strict rules', including no bullying.

When a member asked if a guy named Tim* from Coffee Meets Bagel has any red flags, another member commented that he is on steroids based off a topless photo of him. 

In another post, a different member wrote: "My honest and humble opinion. I see pictures of guys here. Most of them seem mediocre, with a hairline receding like they urgently need hair restoration in Turkey. Ladies, it's time to sayonara and keep on fishing."

'Don't cross the line': Lawyer 

Like Marcus, Jonathan* is another active dating app user caught in the crossfire of SG Women Ask’s “ugly crusade” against cheaters and scammers. 

When one member asked if there's "any tea to spill" about Jonathan, another member, who had been on a date with the man, told her to send a private message to her instead.

This has left Jonathan fearing that his reputation would be ruined if people were to make up stories behind his back.

"I find the whole concept to be nothing but cruel," he said. "Naturally, not everyone is going to gel. But sharing their experiences of what it's like dating us is very poor."

Criminal lawyer Mohammad Baiross of IRB Law LLP told AsiaOne that the participants of SG Women Ask may be liable for criminal prosecution under the Protection from Harassment Act (Poha).

"Actions like sharing personal stories about others on a public platform, especially if it causes distress, can be considered harassment," he said.

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The men whose dating profiles are shared in the group can also sue for defamation if there are false information which hurts their reputation, according to Baiross.

Sharing such posts under anonymity does not protect these participants from being liable, he said, but he pointed out that the group's rules against posting harmful or personal content can help avoid legal troubles.

"Sharing experiences on SG Women Ask needs to be done carefully. Even if it's meant as social interaction, it's important to remember the laws of defamation and harassment and not cross the line."

Meanwhile, relationship counsellor Dr Martha Tara Lee told AsiaOne that the Facebook group does provide a sense of community and support for women navigating the dating scene.

But she warned that commenting from screenshots of mens' dating profiles can also lead to generalisation and biases towards certain characteristics or traits.

After all, a woman's definition of 'red flags' in men, such as not offering to pay for the first date or asking overly personal questions, might not be seen as a warning sign to another woman.

"Women should use the group as a source of information, but they should make their own informed decisions when it comes to dating and relationships," Dr Lee said.

Not everyone is going to completely believe what they see online.

But for Owen*, he found out what it is like dating a member of SG Women Ask. 

The 28-year-old said that all was good for the first few weeks, until he was completely "ghosted". 

"I asked her what was wrong," Owen said. "She showed me that my dating profile was shared on SG Women Ask. One member claimed that I'm untrustworthy because I talked to a lot of girls." 

"But that was all in the past. I'm not a bad person." 

'SG Women Ask a platform for nosey women' 

Speaking to AsiaOne, Jonathan said that he understands the group's intentions of protecting women from online predators.

But he felt that the group has become a platform for "nosey women" to gossip about “normal and harmless guys”. 

"This whole experience has left a very bitter taste in my mouth," Jonathan said. "I've given up on dating apps for now."

"I would be curious to see their reaction if a group of guys were sharing and reviewing women they met on dating apps," Marcus added.

Christine, who has been in the group for the past three months, expressed her discomfort when other members were "randomly" commenting about men that they have not met yet.

"But women there mostly comment about the men based on real experiences and evidence," she said. "Don't be a d**k if you don't want to have d**k comments."

AsiaOne has contacted the admin and moderators of SG Women Ask for comment.

*Names have been changed. 

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chingshijie@asiaone.com